Scientists have spent a lot of effort trying to figure out how we process attractiveness.  They’ve studied DNA in the form of spit, facial symmetry, pheromones in the form of sweat, you name it…

There’s been a lot of hype in the international media concerning a couple of dating sites that claim to run algorithms on your profile data, and then introduce you to the most compatible members on their site.  eHarmony claims they introduce you to members who have been “pre-screened for deep compatibility with you across 29 dimensions.”

I don’t believe that any mathematical formula is really able to identify your perfect match.  If this were the case there would be very few single people doing their rounds, and I estimate the singles market in South Africa to be at a minimum 30% of the population i.e. 1 in every 3.

So how do two strangers become attracted to one another?

I would define attraction as a two-phased process:  An initial visual assessment (phase 1) followed by an in-depth character assessment (phase 2).

In phase one the following factors play important roles.  (Note that these are all happening on a subconscious level):

• Facial Symmetry:  The human body grows by splitting cells.  When these cell divisions occur precisely, the left and right side are mirror images.  Symmetry makes you appear attractive.  Choosing a perfectly symmetrical partner will give your children a better chance at being attractive too.
• Waist to Hip Ratio (WHR): A female hour glass figure (waste area that is significantly narrower than the hips) has a WHR of 0.7 and is most desirable to men.  Scientists say the place where the body stores fat is determined by hormones called estrogen (in women).  So women who produce the correct amount of estrogen will have a desirable WHR ratio.  These women also have less problems conceiving.  On a subconscious level, attraction is linked to fertility.
• Facial Features: Facial structure gives us insight as to one’s fertility too.  Estrogen stops the growth of facial bones in women, which allows for a much smaller brow and chin area.  In contrast the hormone called testosterone that is found in men assists in developing a larger brow and chin area. These traits are perceived as being attractive because they advertise reproductive health.

In short, we seek a partner who is attractive as we are looking for good genes that will lend a hand to our own genes and flourish when we reproduce.

Dating success depends as much on biology as it does on behaviour.  In phase two, a potential partner’s character is assessed.  Here the attraction will grow stronger if both parties have similar values and a similar outlook in life.

If you’re not getting the results you’re looking for and feel that you’re attending way too many first dates then perhaps it’s time to rethink your game plan…

Nerves are normal but it is important not to act out on them as this could make you look and feel awkward.  Rather tell yourself that you’re meeting a friend for a quick drink.  This will hopefully stop you from daydreaming about the ‘date-to-be’ beforehand.

The most important tip I can give you today is to just be yourself.  After all, just think about how embarrassed you will be if your date does like you and then finds out on the 3^rd date that you’ve been lying to them.

If the two of you don’t relate, then so be it.  There is someone perfect out there waiting to be bowled over by the real you.

Do yourself a favour and talk.  Don’t ramble, and don’t be silent.  There is a secret middle way that you need to find that will put you and your date at ease with each other.  The trick is to give them just enough rope to open up a little and then to provide a little information about yourself.

Don’t sell yourself or brag, even if it is true.  Be honest, yet modest!

Which brings me to the next topic: Over-sharing.  Yes, there is such a thing as providing way too much information.  You need to leave just enough mystery to be uncovered on a second date.

Also don’t delve too much into the future.  Talking about your kids and the school you will be sending them to before they’re even born is a major turn-off.  Even though you are looking for a serious relationship that will develop into other things, this is not the time to discuss that.  Rather focus on the now.

Use your social skills to read and interpret your date’s body language of conscious or subconscious signals.  This should help you adjust the conversation if needs be.

Make sure your appearance is giving off the right signals.  Perhaps it’s time to get a second opinion?  This is especially true if you’ve been sporting the same dress sense and hairstyle for the last 10 years.  You would be amazed at what 1 session with an image consultant could do for you!

Finally, step out of yourself for a moment.  Think about how you present yourself, your appearance, attitude and communication style. Imagine yourself in your date’s shoes.  What do you think?

Most importantly you need to remember to have loads of fun.  I’ve said this so many times.  Happy, confident people are just so much more attractive!

My favourite comeback used to be: ‘Well, I haven’t met anyone quite as perfect as myself, just yet’.  We would laugh it off, and then thankfully move on to the next topic of conversation.

The sad thing is, my answer wasn’t too far from the truth.  I was looking for someone that simply didn’t exist.  My list of criteria was longer than most people’s monthly shopping list.

Understanding the reason behind why you’re single may be your key to finally settling down with your life partner.  So, perhaps it’s time to take the first step and to evaluate your situation.

Are you being too picky and holding out for Mr Perfect?  Remember there’s a huge difference between having standards and being too picky.  You’ll be amazed at how many of your ‘must have’ traits really matter if there’s chemistry in the air.  Maybe it’s time to shorten your list of expectations?

Perhaps you’re way too independent.  It could be that men experience you as being intimidating, or a threat.  A soft, feminine energy is far more conducive to finding a partner.  Maybe it’s time to leave your ball breaking demeanour at work?

Have you ever stopped to think that perhaps you’re scaring men away with your: ‘I don’t need a man’ approach?  He needs to feel appreciated in some form or another.  A man is not going to settle down in a place where he feels dispensable.

On the flip side, you could be scaring men away by being too needy or seeming too desperate.  Men are naturally turned off by women who are overly dependent or have an anxious attachment style.  Chances are that if you town it down a little you will see a big difference in your dating life.

Perhaps the problem lies with your drive to be successful. Women are focussed on their careers and getting married involves making too many adjustments.  Most women aren’t prepared to make this leap until late in their thirties, if at all.  If your career comes first above all else, then yes, it is no wonder that you’re single.

It could be that you are just too comfortable and not prepared to make any drastic moves in order to meet him.  Many women are quite rightfully afraid of meeting strangers in public places. The experience can be safe if the necessary precautions are taken.  You need to get up and out there, or condemn yourself to a life of loneliness.

Your past could be influencing your future.  Your childhood may be holding you back.  Or a past love may have let you down horribly.  If necessary, investigate your background, anything holding you back, and seek professional help to speed up the process that you need to go through.

Finally, it could be that you just haven’t met him yet!  Yes, it could be as simple as that. Don’t stop looking.  You will find him!

The question here isn’t whether you will be rejected, but rather when, and how you will choose to deal with it, as it can negatively affect your future relationships, if not dealt with properly.

The most important thing to remember is that rejection is not personal. A strange statement, taking into consideration the feelings rejection evokes, but think about it…

If you approach a stranger and they politely refuse, it is not you they are rejecting, but simply your request.  It could be that you remind them of their ex, they may be having a really bad day, or simply that they aren’t open to being into a relationship at the moment.

If your date cancels everything following a 2^nd date it could be that their life has suddenly turned into disarray.  Timing is everything!  They may just be getting over someone else or dealing with another important event in their life.

Remember that another person’s choice to say no is not a measure of your self-worth.  It often has to do with external forces.  So do yourself a favour and remove the label your brain has transmitted of you ‘not being good enough’.  It simply isn’t true.

The best way to get over any form of rejection is to stay positive.  So they weren’t interested in meeting you for a second date.  Their loss!  Why not move on to the next first date who could potentially be someone perfect for you!

A good way to stay positive and in the swing of things is to remind yourself why you’re awesome to date!  Put together a list of qualities that you bring to the relationship, reminding yourself of why you are worthy of being loved.

Whether you are rejected upon first approach, following the first date, or after a couple of months into a relationship, if you saw it coming or it hit you unexpectedly – It really doesn’t matter all that much in the bigger picture, so stop feeling sorry for yourself.

This does not mean you need to suppress the pain.  Address it, deal with it and move on.  Some people move on sooner whilst others need a little more time.  But do whatever you have to do, to expedite the process.

Also, do yourself a huge favour and quit trying to be perfect.  If you aren’t so hard on yourself, rejection won’t be that though to process.  Remind yourself that we are all human beings and you are doing the best you can.

In closing, the truth of the matter is that no-one can truly reject you unless you allow them to by denying yourself of your own love and self worth.  No-one can make you feel that way about yourself unless you give them permission to, so don’t.

What are these expectations based on anyway?  One day when you’re retired, sipping tea in your back garden – who do you see yourself with?  When looks have diminished and body fat has tripled, are you going to care whether the person sitting opposite you used to be a super model?

Errors singles make when dating

Years of media exposure has resulted in most of us developing a rather impractical picture of what we are looking for in a life partner.

Further to this, many daters struggle to comprehend that the past cannot influence the present, or future for that matter.  An unkempt rod cannot catch the same fish it caught more than twenty years ago…

Many daters make the mistake of selecting a partner based on how they would like others to perceive them.  Are you projecting your own insecurities on a potential partner before you’ve even met with them?

Perhaps you should stop to think who or what exactly you are comparing this person to?  Why not rather start a new acquaintance on a fresh page with no expectations whatsoever?

Stop expecting the people you meet to fall into a certain category or to act in a certain way.  You will only become disappointed and frustrated as you keep on checking your list on non-negotiable traits that this person doesn’t ‘adhere’ to.

Oh yes, and you will still be single!

Dating should be fun!

I would like to urge you to let go and start having fun on dates.  Dating is a state of mind.  Having fun on your date and enjoying the evening out is also a state of mind.  It’s all up to you.

Rather than loading the poor soul on the other side of the table with your expectations, just see the night out as a casual drink, meeting a new friend.  Instead of ticking off your list, invest your efforts into finding the good qualities of every person you meet.

Broaden your horizons.  Be open and accepting of any type of person.  You may very well be pleasantly surprised by what you may find.

Lessons from a matchmaker

Personally, the love of my life meets less than 60% of my so called non-negotiable criteria.  I put this list together before we met.  Today I could not be more thankful for the events that occurred, that led to my list being thrown out the window.  I believe chemistry had a much bigger role to play…

Think about it for a while.  Who are you overseeing that could otherwise be a great match for you?

Remember that you cannot change people into becoming your perfect match.  What you should rather do is determine whether they compliment you as they are.  And as with all things in life, you need to do the same in return.

‘Whilst two of these adjectives may be correct, if you are of a certain age you may dispute one of the points.

You may not be the spring lamb you used to be but there is no reason why you cannot exude a youthful, vibrant energy and appearance no matter what your age. After all, the confidence that comes with looking and feeling good is what attracts potential partners to us in the first place.

So what negative factors contribute to making us look our age.  Or worse still, even older than we really are.  And what can be done about it?

Being a 40 something myself, I have given this a great deal of thought.  I have come to the conclusion it is not the crows feet around our eyes, but other tell tale signs that give our age away.

Discoloured Teeth: It takes years of drinking red wine and coffee to develop yellowed teeth.  Reverse the clock by regularly going to your dentist for a professional clean.  A bright smile alone can take 10 years off your age.

Outdated Hair Style: If you have sported the same style for more than 2 years or longer then whisk yourself off to  your stylist and ask them to give you a suitable ‘on trend’ cut that will suit your face.

While we are on the subject, hair colour can also age you considerably.  Consider covering any grey hair.

When selecting a colour remember just because jet black or blonde suited you a decade ago does not mean it will now. Your hair colour should add life and dimension to your face, not drain it of life.

Out Dated Wardrobe: Baggy pants, cardigans, incorrect skirt length and old fashioned shoes will pile on the years making you look like an old fashioned Aunty or Uncle rather than an attractive, desirable date.  Anyone can wear clothes that are current and up to date in an age appropriate way.

If you are stuck in a rut wearing the same old styles year in and year out it is time for change. Try on clothes you would not normally gravitate towards.  Pick clothes that may look dull on the hanger but transform on the body.  Take time in the changing rooms to experiment with different styles and colours.

The Way You Move: Grabbing the table to lever yourself up at the end of a coffee date because you have seized up is simply not sexy. Get the bounce back in your step by being active and doing whatever works for you e.g. Walking, dancing, gym, cycling, yoga.

After all when you meet your dream partner you may need all the strength and flexibility your body can muster.

If you would like to take the guess work out of dressing, you are welcome to contact me on janine@restyleyou.co.za’

Janine Carley James

Style Guru, www.restyleyou.co.za

How times have changed.  A cease fire has been declared between the sexes, for now anyway…

Although gender roles are deeply engrained within us, exposure to varied situations will alter our thinking, and allow us to adapt to personal situations.  Socially, gender roles have changed and will keep on changing.

Liberation and gender equality are all over worked words.  Yes, it has meant greater freedom and yes, it has enriched the lives of many.  But it doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re ready for the social and emotional changes attached to this.

Men have, for a while now, not been the sole provider.  Women can these days choose to have a baby without a man (if she so wishes).   Women view themselves as equal to their partner on most levels.  In some instances, women are also far more successful career wise, than their male counterparts.

As a society, we are ready to accept equality in terms of shared living expenses, but not when a woman is the sole provider.  Why does this make both sexes so uncomfortable?

What do you believe equality really means in a relationship?

Do Venus and Mars ring a bell?  We tend to forget that the basic make-up of a man and woman are planets apart.  It just is.  There is no arguing this.  We think and communicate differently.  We also find our sense of fulfilment in different ways.

As an example, when a man is the sole provider of his family, he does this with a sense of pride and esteem.  Women on the other hand feel weighed down and resentful towards their partner.

Naturally, shifting gender roles have complicated dating as well as relationships.

Singles are confused about their roles.  In many situations they aren’t sure of how they should act.  Who makes the first move?  Who decides on where to meet?  Who picks up the bill?  The fun and excitement of meeting a new person has been replaced with anxiety.

We enter relationships carrying with us pre-conceived ideas of how we are expected to behave as a male or female.  Then life happens.  As a result, less people are able to main healthy, lasting relationships.

Where to from here amidst all this chaos?

You need to work as a team.  Communication is the key (as always).  Use your individual strengths and weaknesses to the advantage of both parties and do what works for both of you.

Keep in mind that you may need to move out of your comfort zone.  When you feel uncomfortable, stop to think why.  If it works for both of you: Great!  If not, stop doing things in that particular way.

I hope no-one reading this is the latter.  If you are, let go and live a little.  There’s no need for you to spend a fortune (or any money for that matter) to show your loved one just how much you appreciate them.  And we can never show them enough times…

With Valentine’s Day lurking around the corner, I thought it would be an excellent idea to look into some interesting things to do this year.  Whether you’re single or already in a relationship, why not make this Valentine’s Day one to remember?

If you are single then make sure you plan ahead.  Get together with a bunch of just-as-single friends.  Ask your friends to each invite another single friend (of the opposite sex).  This is a great way to meet new people.

Host a get-together at your place.  Why not let everyone dress up with a theme: My Favourite Single Celebrity.  Ask each guest to bring along either a bottle of champagne or chocolates.  Or go big and ask them to bring both!

If you’re lucky enough to have a first date planned for Valentine’s Day, then do something different.  Why be just like everyone else and eat dinner at an expensive restaurant?

I know Drive Inns sound cheesy but it can be a great idea for a first date if you do it right.  Pack a picnic basket with wine and a selection of cheese.  Make sure you remember a blanket and some cushions so you won’t have to sit inside the car the whole evening.

Alternatively, try a wine and cheese tasting experience outdoors next to an open fire.  Remember the marshmallows for desert.

If you’ve been dating for a while why not add some spark to your relationship by staying at home and making an interesting dish together.

Have you ever tried making sushi?  There is loads of information on the internet on how to go about this.  It’s fun and messy which is always good for a laugh.  If sushi isn’t your thing, why not try making pasta from scratch?   WARNING: Just as messy!

For dessert, head into your local cafe and purchase and assortment of flavoured sweets.  Make sure you remember your partner’s favourite flavour.  Unwrap one, leave it in your mouth for a couple of minutes until the flavour has exploded, then remove it.  Proceed to kiss your partner.

If they can guess the flavour, it’s their turn.  I have no doubt that this will be a night to remember…

Happy Valentine’s Day!  I hope your day is filled with loads of love!

So when is it the right time to get out there and start dating again?  This varies from person to person, but the general consensus is that you need to feel right about dating again.

Hopes and dreams were broken and there is a lot of hurt and guilt that you will need to let go of before you allow someone new into your life.   If you are no longer bitter or angry, this is a good sign that you are ready to move on.

Also check your attitude towards dating and women / men in general.  If you feel sorry for yourself or act like you’ve been hurt, others will pick up on it.  It’s a major turn-of.

It’s ok to briefly mention the basic circumstances of your divorce, but don’t ramble on about your ex and everything they’ve done to you.  Rather be optimistic and sincere about meeting some great single people.  This is the start of your new life and you get to make better choices this time around!

You’ve most likely lost track of your single self and neglected old friendships and hobbies.  So now it is important that you take some time for you and reconnect with yourself.  Be happy with who you are, where you are and make sure you do things that make you happy.

Friendship is a vital part of the recovery process and friends and family are a vital support group.  Be careful about whose advice you follow.  What worked for others may not be right for you.

Now that you don’t have a partner, it is essential that you plan your weekends ahead.  It is also a good idea to move out of your comfort zone.  Enjoy new activities where you will meet new people.  You will not meet anyone new by sitting on your couch the whole day.

Prepare for certain times of the year when you know things will be a little tougher.  Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries are loaded with memories and expectations.  You need to create new ones for yourself…

Rushing into the next long term relationship is the biggest mistake divorced people make.  Don’t get serious with the first person that crosses your path.  Make sure it feels right and remember that you cannot forge an intimate bond with someone you’ve known a couple of weeks.  These things take time.

When you’re officially in the dating game remember to stay true to yourself.  Embrace what you have learned from past relationship/s.  Don’t let your age or post-divorce insecurities lower your expectations.

Time heals all wounds but moving on with your life doesn’t mean that you need to forget about your past.  It shaped you into the person you are today.

Sadly, their busy schedules have left no room for a personal life or any type of intimate relationship.  They approach me wanting to meet a life partner as they are tired of going at life alone.

These women also have no qualms in telling me that they are looking for someone exceptional who is stronger, more accomplished, more educated and earns more money.  They then proceed to tell me that they would rather stay single for the rest of their life than have to ‘settle’, as they would call it, for something less.

And they wonder why they are single?

These women lack femininity and approach love in an analytical manner.  They provide a long list of qualities that they are looking for in a man.  It’s rather fascinating to see…

‘Love is unpredictable and will sweep you off your feet, if you let it.  It may just surprise you, if you let it.’  I try to tell them, but they refuse to listen.

There is a huge difference between SETTLING and being REALISTIC.  Let me explain…

The term settling implies a willingness to accept less than what you believe you deserve. It is a negative way of saying to yourself: ‘I can do better.’

Being realistic allows you to evaluate your options with an open mind, allowing you to make a sound decision based on what is reasonable.

The key here is to change your standards (or you could call them benchmarks) in terms of what you are looking for in a partner, but not to lower them.

For example:  If you were afforded the opportunity of completing a Master’s degree at an international university.  You ‘expect the same level of education from your partner’.  Why oversee the perfectly capable, intelligent and highly successful entrepreneur who started his practical experience at the school of life at the age of 16?

If you’re set on meeting someone that earns more than you do and you fall into the category of a previously advantaged female.  You need to think again.  Think about the political situation in South Africa.  Why not rather aim to meet a man who is intelligent and innovative enough to have chosen to adapt to his environmental situation?

I guess what I am trying to say is: If you’ve dedicated your life to being better than all the men you know at everything you do, where do you expect to find a selection of men to date who will suit your long list of criteria?

I urge these women to be realistic about what they are looking for in a partner.  Decide on 5 absolute DEAL BREAKERS.  These are qualities that you can absolutely not live with.  Just let the rest be.

The next time you meet a gentleman, stop to think about what you have just read.  You may just be very pleasantly surprised.